Published April 27, 2007
Pressed against the transparent walls,
Like a confused and blinded bird,
Pushing, leaning, heaving.
Flailing, fighting, slipping down its slippery facade.
Palms pale and sweating,
Clinging, pleading...
Let me out! Let me out!
Harsh exploited voice,
Piercing the veil of silence, shredding the stillness.
Pounding fists, rebounding backward,
Pong! Pong!: they bounce off the invisible wall
Echoing into the other world for no one but ourselves to hear.
A daily battle, waged in limbo,
By every person, everywhere,
Selecting a mask from the closet for their mind,
Abandoning their reflection:the Truth,
To the grim reality of that silvered slivered surface.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Comments? Assistance? Pweese?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Thanks Liz! You're very right about the "pong!" part...Now I just have to come up with something...(that's the hard part
) Any suggestions on how to make it less melodramatic?
Nice. I like your concept, and you carried it out well.
I think there are a few things you could do to make it stronger. You're toeing the line of being just a bit too melodramatic. And the "Pong! Pong!" in the 11th line sounds a little comical. If this isn't your intention, I'd rethink the word choice.
I also thought the second stanza was a bit too obvious, but I did like the second half of the last line.
Hope that helps.